Fear...

What is this feeling? why does my mind feel so restless. my mind is crowded by her thoughts. all i want now is to hear her voice, to talk to her, to see her, to be with her, a moment that involves only her and myself. but there is something more to it. these wishes are not bothering me, its something else. something that has enveloped my mind the moment i developed feelings for her. my friend says it is love, but, i don't believe it. i did not chose to love her. she was never more than a friend to me. i understand my priorities and love isn't one of them. rather i never portrayed love in my mind till date, hence, i know for sure this isn't love. may be this is attraction, may be addiction, may be infatuation. In either case it isn't love.

I have never portrayed love because i never felt so strongly about anyone before and couldn't reach to the conclusion that i could be in love with that person. i don't love her. she is just a good friend. we speak regularly, we know everything about each other, we share our happiness and sorrows, we hold an important place in each others' life. that very much proves that we are good friends. isn't that how friends are supposed to be? yet, my mind is clogged. all of a sudden it has started behaving insane. irregularity in our contact makes me uncomfortable, small arguments get me worried for no reason, moments during her absence are filled with the presence of her memories and happy thoughts, every time i imagine that pleasant smile on her face, i smile involuntarily, even the times i am struggling my way to board a crowded train or bus and when all i have on my mind is to brutally push that person infront to pave my way through, her thought, for no reason, strikes.

my heart is insane. it is habituated to her. my brain knows it. yes, it knows that my heart is insane. it knows. it knows because it realizes that she doesn't feel the same way i do for her. it knows because she never reciprocates the affection that is visible in my eyes. it knows that 'that' one hasty decision could ruin our friendship. it knows because it realizes that i don't want to lose her. it knows because i am filled with that one feeling that dominates every thought of her. it knows that losing or hurting her is something i "fear".

'A Wanna-be'

"Be a good boy", mom often said. "Study well", dad always said in a supportive tone. "Don't be such a loser, be a sport" friends commented. "We expect good results from you", teachers demanded. i did everything. yes, i did. always tried my best to live up to others' expectations. i myself didn't realize when this obedience became a habit. but it never bothered me in the least sense because every time i behaved good my mother was happy; every time i studied sincerely my dad was happy; every time i behaved reckless or bold and socialized by every means my friends were happy; every time i scored well in my tests my teachers were happy. somehow, it made me happy. it was the smile on their face when they looked at me, after i had lived upto their expectations, that made me feel important. it made me feel i had some value in society and that i could fulfill everyone's needs n demands and expectations.

The times i let others down, i felt that i let myself down. But i didn't give up. i kept going. even when fingers were pointed at me i didn't justify myself but tried to prove my point through my actions. Each action was an outcome of someone else's belief. someone believed i could top my class so i believed it. someone believed i was kind so i believed it. someone believed i was a bad person so i believed it. someone believed i was sly so i believed it. someone believed i was a good friend so i believed it. someone believed i was a bad friend so i believed it. i believed....i believed everyone. yet, for once i couldn't believe in myself. however, its too late now. i have swum into deeper seas to return to the shores. i always had answers to people's question until the time when i asked my friend,"how do you want me to be?" he said,"be the way you want to be."

'the way i want to be'??? i asked myself several times but there was no answer. i am so used to living by others expectations that i never saw the need to generate any of my own. may be the term hypocrite would fit the description of me. the term is apt to describe me in a single word. i suppose the problem has arisen because i have grown in terms of knowledge, experience and the intelligence to scrutinize my own actions and that of others. obviously, i am not a welcomed individual in society now,unless, people don't know me. one obvious solution would have been to shift to a new place where people didn't know me and i had the chance to live the way i want. unfortunately, it wont work. because wherever i go there are people, wherever there are people there are expectations, wherever there are expectations i need to succumb.

May be the society needs to accept me as a hypocrite. may be i myself require to accept myself as a hypocrite. but i dont like when someone calls me a hypocrite. i feel agitated because hypocrite is the one who believes in one thing but does another. as for me, i dont know what i believe in. i behave as people wish me to. for those loving silence, am silent; for those loving fun, am funny; for those loving noise, am loud. but while i am one of these, i am with all my heart. because there is no second belief i hold simultaneously. still if you believe i am a hypocrite then may be i am living upto someone else's expectations at that time.

i wish someday i can find an expectation of my own. i wish someday i behave the way i want and not the way others want. i wish someday i live not because it is required but because i want to. i struggle to survive, i struggle to search for a purpose, i struggle to make a difference, i struggle to discover that 'one' expectation that has nurtured within me. i am not a hypocrite in societal terms.however, an informally coined term could describe me better if not the best. a famous category of teenagers that i could be considered to fall in. yes, i am that category; i am not a hypocrite, i am 'a wanna-be'.

Striptease!

People have a happy phase in life and also a sad phase. The last couple of weeks made me feel like am I having a striptease phase. In a college event that I participated, my character demanded I walk the ramp with my shirt off. More than my character demanding it my colleagues were of the opinion that it would add to the character. May be you might think that I have a great body or an excellent physique but the fact is exactly opposite. The theme being gothic I am supposed to wear some body art. Well, I haven’t stood in a vest out of my house in my entire life and now I am going to walk a ramp infront of more than 100 people(for no reason I am glad that Mr. R. R. Patil is not listed in those 100) with my shirt off and not enough body art to hide my prominent rib cage.

Already nervous about my performance next week, I did not expect to have a rehearsal this week. When I thought about walking half naked I told myself that I could just concentrate on the male part of the audience and not feel embarrassed but the rehearsal that I accidentally underwent was much more embarrassing. Just three males in the room and around 7 to 8 females. This rehearsal that I am talking about is the time when I was forced to volunteer as a subject to test the tele- ecg machine and to make matters worse a 12- lead ecg machine. My project guide asked me to take off my shirt and vest and lie down(I wish I could deny) well, I didn’t mind volunteering as a subject but I did mind the presence of so many females in the same room. While I was lying with just my pants on and hoping that the tag of my undergarment wasn’t visible I recollected one of my childhood memories.

I was 5 when I removed my shirt infront of a crowd unwillingly for the first time. It was some school function and they were playing some stupid game when the host asked the participants to get some particular coloured shirt from the crowd. Me, one of the few, blessed with immense misfortune was wearing the required color. A ‘female’ contestant eagerly approached me and her over- enthusiasm made me feel as if she’d tear away my shirt if I didn’t hand it over. Yet, I resisted. However, she pleaded to my mother and my mother while trying to convince me took off my shirt and handed it over. I started crying because even at 5 if I could not spell “embarrassment”, yet, I was. There were so many females around me. The only good thing was that the host noticed it and gave me a gift. The gift was a water bottle with a small tiffin on its top.

Whatever!!! I was 5 then, I am 21 now. I just hope the body art that am supposed to wear is attractive. i hope that my requirements to volunteer half naked is the last time next week. I know I am a guy and shouldn’t be so embarrassed but well, walking the ramp is the first step to overcome the embarrassment. Still, that doesn’t mean people expect me to roam around with my shirt off!!

Naive.

You always misjudged my expectations from you. you always framed me between your common opinion of men as chauvinists. i could not blame you. but, i did not wish to justify that unlike other men, i do not underestimate the female gender. you always told me that all that men look for in a girl, is sex and were somewhere confident that i approached you with the same intentions.

Intentions, i had, but altogether different. i wished to be a part of the disintegrated jigsaw puzzle that you saw your life as. i wanted to fit in somewhere. to make my presence in your life meaningful. yet, i always saw an element of doubt in your eyes. as if you just couldn't imagine me as a friend without hidden agenda. finally you broke your silence. finally you put forth the doubt that lurked in your mind hindering your heart to believe in me. finally, you asked me, " how can you do so much for me without asking and not expect anything in return."

That day, i couldn't do much but smile away and say, "that's how i am." the truth is that i have a lot to offer to this world but the world has very little to offer me. helping the ones i love, being there when they need me and allowing them to see me as a support and let them trust me is what makes me happy. sometimes, its the need of the hour; sometimes, its an emotional deluge. yet, i find that everyone around me believes in this give and take relationship. you were one person who had put my observation into words when you said, "give & take- that's how the world work. people bond with each other because they get something in return. no one will stand by you if they did some good deeds for you but in return you not only express ingratitude but hurt them."

However, my vision is different. i cannot explain it. but when i go beyond my limits for the people i love i know that i am not supposed to expect even an expression of gratitude because its a certain choice that i have made, i just know that it made me happy, because, at the end of it, my loved ones were happy. moreover, i feel that the way am able to help people they will never be able to help me.

Over a period of time i have changed myself to suite your conditions of give and take. my expectations from the world have grown exponentially. when i approach someone i cannot avoid calculating the profits and losses involved in that bonding. over a period of time my happiness has decreased abreast my expectations. i realize how the two have an inverse relation. this realization makes me feel like returning to the past. i know i cannot return into the past nor can i change the present but i can certainly create a future. a future that much like my past will be filled with love. i will give the world all that i have and try not expecting anything. i will strive for those who could not fight their fate and provide them with a way of my own. Once again, i will be what you often said i was- naive.

POLYGAMY.

"Polygamy"- means having more than one wife or husband at the same time. this is the definition that i have copied directly from my cellphone dictionary. i know most of you would think of polygamy as having more than one wife and also if you observe the definition stated it describes the "wife" aspect first. May be it was unintentional. but then i'll give you a Gen -X outlook at polygamy. so we'll need to handle both issues one by one.

More than one wife:-
1) Advantages:- You would enjoy some variety in your sex life(i couldn't have been more sober).
- You will never put on weight because the amount of calories you burn while having sex will eventually compensate.
- Population explosion will be taken care of(well, we could use a few homosexuals in this country for that matter;))
- There are more earning members so the family can afford to live a luxurious life. hey, atleast the children wont starve.
- The daily chores are taken care of.
- You will not have to worry about money management because women are far better than the grocer in that case.
- In case one of the wives die, runs away, demands divorce or is hospitalized the family will still run smoothly.
- The husband and children can relish the variety in cuisine.
- Children can benefit from the extra guidance and support from all their mothers.


2) Disadvantages:- Scheduling your nights will become necessary.(Sorry guys, you cant have multiple erections so rapidly)
-Husbands will need to remember so many names, birthdays and wedding anniversaries.
-It would be a major disaster if all your wives unite, however, it would be a disaster even if they fought among themselves.
- Toddlers would have a hard time remembering the names of all the 'mothers'.
-Children would have a tough time selecting a bride or groom for themselves as women niggle in these situations.
- Shopping is an insatiable passion for women. however, there is a propensity to spend their husbands income or expect their husbands to gift them.
- your mother will find it difficult to have a favourite daughter-in- law

More than one husband:
i kinda have a dilemma here. having more than one husband is not an issue but according to all communities, women are supposed to live with their husbands. Obviously, if we continue this trend, women will have a harder time then men as they'll need to travel a lot unless they find men living in same colony. but then again they would'n want one husband peeping through his window at their other husband's house while they act naughty;)

lets assume we are able to change the trend and now the husband goes to the wife's house.

Advantages:
- women can achieve multiple orgasms. so they'll have an excellent sex life. variety is the spice of life and fulfillment is achievable for her as she always has alternatives.
- men never argue over petty issues. so more than one man in the house will not be a trouble.
- if one husband falls ill, dies or elopes with another man or woman, the family still remains flourished.
- if you are a housewife, you will have multiple finances to your shopping.
-some of the best known chefs around the globe are men, so the probability remains of you hitting the jackpot.
- population explosion is better curbed as compared to having multiple wives.
Disadvantages:
- men usually engage in conversations over politics, current issues and business which can keep them engaged for hours as compared to women who can be kept occupied by gossip.
-it would be a disaster if a couple of your husbands turn gay. you will end up facing heavy losses. this wont be the case with multiple wives due to the fact that women cannot stay in harmony unless they are sisters. also, the spice of variety is better longed for by men than women.

this was the best i could come up with. i am sure i have missed out on petty issues but the issues mentioned here are unavoidable in ones married life. in case you are longing for multiple life partners, the above points can help your thought.

A tribute.

A year has passed by since the dreadful event took place in mumbai. I dont know if i should express my sorrow for the victims of 26/ 11 or honour the bravery of those who sacrificed their lives for mumbai city. i am one of those who can least gauge the intensity of the whole tragedy. The memories of that night are still fresh in my mind when it began for me with a 'breaking news' on star news channel which flashed that, "firing was taking place between two groups at colaba". Initially, we didnt express much concern as we thought it to be local hooligans involved in some kind of gang-wars. i changed the channel. i went back to the news channel a couple of times but the same news was being flashed. Finally, we switched off the television and went to sleep. Until next morning none in my family had the slightest idea of what was going around.
Next morning my father learnt bout the terrorist attack when he saw the news on the television early in the morning at 5 am. My mother wakes up at 6 and leaves fro work at 7am. Apparently, she wasn't willing to stay home as she is a nurse and realised that she had to reach the hospital. My father instructed me and my brother to stay at home. He himself left for work as usual at 9 am. Also, my brother left for bandra at around 11am. The incident took place in southern mumbai and the western line was somehow incapable of realising the situation. Many people went to their offices. The next morning, while the NSG were at full throttle at the taj and nariman point, life on the western line seemed pretty normal.
Many news flashes have been hitting since across the television displaying different aspects or the tragedy. The hard work of the security forces yielded some fruit in form of 'kasab'. This again began a news flash for a couple of days. The most recent headlines have been involvement of David Headley and Rana in the terrorist attacks. Trials on kasab are still in process, discussions with pakistan are still in process and various other political activities are in process. But the question remains, what has changed in mumbai in one year?
As a common man, i cannot list many changes i have seen. The most amusing move by the government was that of declaring election day as a holiday. More surprising was the fact that it did not create a desired difference in the voting from the mumbai suburbs. I do not wish to complain but the fact remains that even after 26/11/2008, mumbai is as vulnerable as it was a year back. The lone survived terrorist, even after committing such a hieneous crime, can assure himself of his safety. However, i doubt a considerable amount of mumbaikars could witness some permanent measures for public safety. May be permanent is an ideal term, but at least i have the right to expect some implications in the security of the city. Many may hate me for this statement but people of mumbai are more at fault than the government. At the end of the day, all that we do is comment on the actions of the government, light candles at the gateway to express our sorrows, send patriotic sms's to our friends, create communities on orkut and facebook, highlight the sorrows of those suffered and many more unproductive activities. In all these activities that we are proudly participating, where have we made the difference? where have we assured ourselves and our society of their security? When i say this, some would comment that security is the responsibility of the police and army and we are not here to fight terrorist. Sorry, but i dont have much to say to people who think in this manner. As it is said , easier said than done, such people will always remain spectators in freedom struggle. In the end, i am equally useless, because i know i havent contributed anything for my country nor my city in this last 1 year. Please ask yourselves, what have you done in this past year that could make a difference.

सांग मला......

खूप काम होते आज तुला,
थकलीस इतकी की झोपूनच राहिलीस,
लवकर उठ मला भूक लागली,
आज गप्प आहेस इतकी, काय झाले तुला, सांग मला ?

हे सारे रडत आहेत कशाला,
काकू का मला इतके घट्ट धरतेय?
बाबा पण दीदीला जवळ घेउन बसले,
तूच का नाही मला जवळ घेत , सांग मला ?

आकाशातील तो गोलस दिवा विझला,
पण अजुन तू घरातील दिवा नाही लावलास ,
मी चार ओळ शुभंकरोतिचे पाठ केले ,
पण बाबा त्याला चूक का म्हणाले, सांग मला?


उठ न आई आता किती झोपणार,
माझ्या लहानश्या हाकेने उठणारी तू,
आज इतके लोक भोवती असता पण झोपलीस,
कोणी रागावले का तुला, सांग मला?

कसेतरी होते आता मला,
इतकी गर्दी आणि सगळे विनाकारण रड्तायत ,
मला पण रडू येते,
अश्रु पूस पदराने आई, आणि बरं वाटेल असं काही सांग मला.


मी काल खेळण्यासाठी हट्ट केला,
म्हणून रागावली नाहीस ना?
की आज पुन्हा भाजी उरली,
म्हणून राग आला माझा तुला, सांग मला ?

हो! माझा नक्कीच राग आलाय तुला,
म्हणून इतका वेळ गप्प होतीस ,
डोळे मिटून त्या सफ़ेद पांघरुणात झोपलीस ,
मला एकदाही पहावेसे वाटले नाही तुला, सांग मला ?

ह्याच क्षणी मी वचन देतो तुला,
हट्ट नाही करणार खेळण्यासाठी कधी ,
तू वाढलेली भाजी सुध्दा गपचुप खाणार,
काय करू की राग जाईल तुझा सांग मला ?

कुठे नेतायत हे सारे तुला,
बाबा म्हणतात तू कामासाठी परदेशी चाललीस ,
सगळे तुझ्या सोबत घराबाहेर पडतायत, मला सोडून,
जिथे तू चाललीस तिथे सोबत का नेत नाही मला, सांग मला?