21

i always thought that i knew so much about life that if i had to start writing i'd probably have a couple of books published. yet, i havent heard of many writers, who at the age of 21, have written great books on life. when i was 10, i always fascinated the idea of being 21. at that age you dream of winning over the world by the time you complete your teens.

life at 10 isnt all that happening for an average kid like me. in addition, its human nature to find another guy wearing the same shirt as yours to be more handsome than you could see yourself in the mirror. in short, we are always interested in others' life than our own. so as i mentioned earlier, being an average kid, i was more interested in people around me. the one thing that intrigued me the most was the freedom privileged by the grown ups. i wanted to wear stylish clothes, go out for movies almost every weekend, have a girlfriend, stay out late night, hang out with friends for long time and have my own money to spend the way i want. but, i was 10 then.

now, m 21. style changes 4 me everyday, i go out for movies once in while, i dont have a girlfriend, i cannot stay out late night, i cannot hang out with friends for too long, i still dont have money of my own to spend the way i want and the worst of all is that even if i get a decent job after a few months i wont be able to spend it my way. why? its simple, m 21. i have deadlines, i have duties, i have responsibilities, i have a career and i have an image in society. you dont have any of these when you are 10. just some stupid exam to be passed by hook or by crook twice a year and till you do that you get what you want and you dont have to answer anyone else. but, m 21.

yes, m 21.however messed up my life is, i am more worried about whom aishwairya rai is getting married to or whom she broke up with. i speak with so much fake confidence that people around me imagine me to be the next bill gates. i read the sexpert column in the newspaper dutifully and read it with so much enthusiasm as if am planning on losing my virginity the same night and will be discovering myself being affected by all the possible STD's the next morning. i have a regenerating heart that actually works more efficiently and quickly than a lizard who is believed to be the only mammal on earth with the power 2 regenerate a body part. i guess, they never studied the heart of a 21 year old very well. it is said to be broken, destroyed, cut, withered and all possible adjectives for destruction when his love goes away. but within no time a new heart re-generates to make space for a fresh love. i read the horoscope hoping that my financial and romantic life will improve. at 10, it was studies and mom. at 21, its money and love.

unchangeable.

a destiny that awaits you at the horizon. the past is the reflection of the future. a sentence difficult to digest. but the one who understands the unchangeable destiny would understand exactly what i mean. but then its not all that complicated.

every person is born with a pre- decided fate. if you ponder upon the normal flow of life, you would say, as you sow, so shall you reap. in simple words, your act today leads to a possible outcome in future. Now, to interpret my idea you will need to visualize the opposite. it is because you are destined for a particular outcome in future, you perform an act in the present. unfortunately, there is no way to find out that pre- decided fate.

a very good friend of mine once told me,"life is unpredictable and the fact that it is makes it worth living." so all we can do is try not 2 judge ourselves on petty outcomes in the present because we have a larger future designed for us. all that we can do is work with all our heart in what we truly believe and may be that would become the most convenient way to reach that unchangeable destiny.

One extra mile.

i gotta walk that extra mile,
my destiny awaits on the other side,
its gonna be tough for a while,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

dragging many expectations along,
i try to ignore the elevation,
my will power isn't so fragile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

the odds are stacked against me,
nobody said it would be easy,
although difficulties are ought to pile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

a point of no return,
i cannot go back,
but the journey has made me docile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

vision of victory, so clear,
there is no cost too high,
every step trying to be more agile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

i will not give up, i know,
even if it took a life more,
my attempts wont remain futile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

Fear...

What is this feeling? why does my mind feel so restless. my mind is crowded by her thoughts. all i want now is to hear her voice, to talk to her, to see her, to be with her, a moment that involves only her and myself. but there is something more to it. these wishes are not bothering me, its something else. something that has enveloped my mind the moment i developed feelings for her. my friend says it is love, but, i don't believe it. i did not chose to love her. she was never more than a friend to me. i understand my priorities and love isn't one of them. rather i never portrayed love in my mind till date, hence, i know for sure this isn't love. may be this is attraction, may be addiction, may be infatuation. In either case it isn't love.

I have never portrayed love because i never felt so strongly about anyone before and couldn't reach to the conclusion that i could be in love with that person. i don't love her. she is just a good friend. we speak regularly, we know everything about each other, we share our happiness and sorrows, we hold an important place in each others' life. that very much proves that we are good friends. isn't that how friends are supposed to be? yet, my mind is clogged. all of a sudden it has started behaving insane. irregularity in our contact makes me uncomfortable, small arguments get me worried for no reason, moments during her absence are filled with the presence of her memories and happy thoughts, every time i imagine that pleasant smile on her face, i smile involuntarily, even the times i am struggling my way to board a crowded train or bus and when all i have on my mind is to brutally push that person infront to pave my way through, her thought, for no reason, strikes.

my heart is insane. it is habituated to her. my brain knows it. yes, it knows that my heart is insane. it knows. it knows because it realizes that she doesn't feel the same way i do for her. it knows because she never reciprocates the affection that is visible in my eyes. it knows that 'that' one hasty decision could ruin our friendship. it knows because it realizes that i don't want to lose her. it knows because i am filled with that one feeling that dominates every thought of her. it knows that losing or hurting her is something i "fear".

'A Wanna-be'

"Be a good boy", mom often said. "Study well", dad always said in a supportive tone. "Don't be such a loser, be a sport" friends commented. "We expect good results from you", teachers demanded. i did everything. yes, i did. always tried my best to live up to others' expectations. i myself didn't realize when this obedience became a habit. but it never bothered me in the least sense because every time i behaved good my mother was happy; every time i studied sincerely my dad was happy; every time i behaved reckless or bold and socialized by every means my friends were happy; every time i scored well in my tests my teachers were happy. somehow, it made me happy. it was the smile on their face when they looked at me, after i had lived upto their expectations, that made me feel important. it made me feel i had some value in society and that i could fulfill everyone's needs n demands and expectations.

The times i let others down, i felt that i let myself down. But i didn't give up. i kept going. even when fingers were pointed at me i didn't justify myself but tried to prove my point through my actions. Each action was an outcome of someone else's belief. someone believed i could top my class so i believed it. someone believed i was kind so i believed it. someone believed i was a bad person so i believed it. someone believed i was sly so i believed it. someone believed i was a good friend so i believed it. someone believed i was a bad friend so i believed it. i believed....i believed everyone. yet, for once i couldn't believe in myself. however, its too late now. i have swum into deeper seas to return to the shores. i always had answers to people's question until the time when i asked my friend,"how do you want me to be?" he said,"be the way you want to be."

'the way i want to be'??? i asked myself several times but there was no answer. i am so used to living by others expectations that i never saw the need to generate any of my own. may be the term hypocrite would fit the description of me. the term is apt to describe me in a single word. i suppose the problem has arisen because i have grown in terms of knowledge, experience and the intelligence to scrutinize my own actions and that of others. obviously, i am not a welcomed individual in society now,unless, people don't know me. one obvious solution would have been to shift to a new place where people didn't know me and i had the chance to live the way i want. unfortunately, it wont work. because wherever i go there are people, wherever there are people there are expectations, wherever there are expectations i need to succumb.

May be the society needs to accept me as a hypocrite. may be i myself require to accept myself as a hypocrite. but i dont like when someone calls me a hypocrite. i feel agitated because hypocrite is the one who believes in one thing but does another. as for me, i dont know what i believe in. i behave as people wish me to. for those loving silence, am silent; for those loving fun, am funny; for those loving noise, am loud. but while i am one of these, i am with all my heart. because there is no second belief i hold simultaneously. still if you believe i am a hypocrite then may be i am living upto someone else's expectations at that time.

i wish someday i can find an expectation of my own. i wish someday i behave the way i want and not the way others want. i wish someday i live not because it is required but because i want to. i struggle to survive, i struggle to search for a purpose, i struggle to make a difference, i struggle to discover that 'one' expectation that has nurtured within me. i am not a hypocrite in societal terms.however, an informally coined term could describe me better if not the best. a famous category of teenagers that i could be considered to fall in. yes, i am that category; i am not a hypocrite, i am 'a wanna-be'.

Striptease!

People have a happy phase in life and also a sad phase. The last couple of weeks made me feel like am I having a striptease phase. In a college event that I participated, my character demanded I walk the ramp with my shirt off. More than my character demanding it my colleagues were of the opinion that it would add to the character. May be you might think that I have a great body or an excellent physique but the fact is exactly opposite. The theme being gothic I am supposed to wear some body art. Well, I haven’t stood in a vest out of my house in my entire life and now I am going to walk a ramp infront of more than 100 people(for no reason I am glad that Mr. R. R. Patil is not listed in those 100) with my shirt off and not enough body art to hide my prominent rib cage.

Already nervous about my performance next week, I did not expect to have a rehearsal this week. When I thought about walking half naked I told myself that I could just concentrate on the male part of the audience and not feel embarrassed but the rehearsal that I accidentally underwent was much more embarrassing. Just three males in the room and around 7 to 8 females. This rehearsal that I am talking about is the time when I was forced to volunteer as a subject to test the tele- ecg machine and to make matters worse a 12- lead ecg machine. My project guide asked me to take off my shirt and vest and lie down(I wish I could deny) well, I didn’t mind volunteering as a subject but I did mind the presence of so many females in the same room. While I was lying with just my pants on and hoping that the tag of my undergarment wasn’t visible I recollected one of my childhood memories.

I was 5 when I removed my shirt infront of a crowd unwillingly for the first time. It was some school function and they were playing some stupid game when the host asked the participants to get some particular coloured shirt from the crowd. Me, one of the few, blessed with immense misfortune was wearing the required color. A ‘female’ contestant eagerly approached me and her over- enthusiasm made me feel as if she’d tear away my shirt if I didn’t hand it over. Yet, I resisted. However, she pleaded to my mother and my mother while trying to convince me took off my shirt and handed it over. I started crying because even at 5 if I could not spell “embarrassment”, yet, I was. There were so many females around me. The only good thing was that the host noticed it and gave me a gift. The gift was a water bottle with a small tiffin on its top.

Whatever!!! I was 5 then, I am 21 now. I just hope the body art that am supposed to wear is attractive. i hope that my requirements to volunteer half naked is the last time next week. I know I am a guy and shouldn’t be so embarrassed but well, walking the ramp is the first step to overcome the embarrassment. Still, that doesn’t mean people expect me to roam around with my shirt off!!

Naive.

You always misjudged my expectations from you. you always framed me between your common opinion of men as chauvinists. i could not blame you. but, i did not wish to justify that unlike other men, i do not underestimate the female gender. you always told me that all that men look for in a girl, is sex and were somewhere confident that i approached you with the same intentions.

Intentions, i had, but altogether different. i wished to be a part of the disintegrated jigsaw puzzle that you saw your life as. i wanted to fit in somewhere. to make my presence in your life meaningful. yet, i always saw an element of doubt in your eyes. as if you just couldn't imagine me as a friend without hidden agenda. finally you broke your silence. finally you put forth the doubt that lurked in your mind hindering your heart to believe in me. finally, you asked me, " how can you do so much for me without asking and not expect anything in return."

That day, i couldn't do much but smile away and say, "that's how i am." the truth is that i have a lot to offer to this world but the world has very little to offer me. helping the ones i love, being there when they need me and allowing them to see me as a support and let them trust me is what makes me happy. sometimes, its the need of the hour; sometimes, its an emotional deluge. yet, i find that everyone around me believes in this give and take relationship. you were one person who had put my observation into words when you said, "give & take- that's how the world work. people bond with each other because they get something in return. no one will stand by you if they did some good deeds for you but in return you not only express ingratitude but hurt them."

However, my vision is different. i cannot explain it. but when i go beyond my limits for the people i love i know that i am not supposed to expect even an expression of gratitude because its a certain choice that i have made, i just know that it made me happy, because, at the end of it, my loved ones were happy. moreover, i feel that the way am able to help people they will never be able to help me.

Over a period of time i have changed myself to suite your conditions of give and take. my expectations from the world have grown exponentially. when i approach someone i cannot avoid calculating the profits and losses involved in that bonding. over a period of time my happiness has decreased abreast my expectations. i realize how the two have an inverse relation. this realization makes me feel like returning to the past. i know i cannot return into the past nor can i change the present but i can certainly create a future. a future that much like my past will be filled with love. i will give the world all that i have and try not expecting anything. i will strive for those who could not fight their fate and provide them with a way of my own. Once again, i will be what you often said i was- naive.