You always misjudged my expectations from you. you always framed me between your common opinion of men as chauvinists. i could not blame you. but, i did not wish to justify that unlike other men, i do not underestimate the female gender. you always told me that all that men look for in a girl, is sex and were somewhere confident that i approached you with the same intentions.
Intentions, i had, but altogether different. i wished to be a part of the disintegrated jigsaw puzzle that you saw your life as. i wanted to fit in somewhere. to make my presence in your life meaningful. yet, i always saw an element of doubt in your eyes. as if you just couldn't imagine me as a friend without hidden agenda. finally you broke your silence. finally you put forth the doubt that lurked in your mind hindering your heart to believe in me. finally, you asked me, " how can you do so much for me without asking and not expect anything in return."
That day, i couldn't do much but smile away and say, "that's how i am." the truth is that i have a lot to offer to this world but the world has very little to offer me. helping the ones i love, being there when they need me and allowing them to see me as a support and let them trust me is what makes me happy. sometimes, its the need of the hour; sometimes, its an emotional deluge. yet, i find that everyone around me believes in this give and take relationship. you were one person who had put my observation into words when you said, "give & take- that's how the world work. people bond with each other because they get something in return. no one will stand by you if they did some good deeds for you but in return you not only express ingratitude but hurt them."
However, my vision is different. i cannot explain it. but when i go beyond my limits for the people i love i know that i am not supposed to expect even an expression of gratitude because its a certain choice that i have made, i just know that it made me happy, because, at the end of it, my loved ones were happy. moreover, i feel that the way am able to help people they will never be able to help me.
Over a period of time i have changed myself to suite your conditions of give and take. my expectations from the world have grown exponentially. when i approach someone i cannot avoid calculating the profits and losses involved in that bonding. over a period of time my happiness has decreased abreast my expectations. i realize how the two have an inverse relation. this realization makes me feel like returning to the past. i know i cannot return into the past nor can i change the present but i can certainly create a future. a future that much like my past will be filled with love. i will give the world all that i have and try not expecting anything. i will strive for those who could not fight their fate and provide them with a way of my own. Once again, i will be what you often said i was- naive.
