unchangeable.

a destiny that awaits you at the horizon. the past is the reflection of the future. a sentence difficult to digest. but the one who understands the unchangeable destiny would understand exactly what i mean. but then its not all that complicated.

every person is born with a pre- decided fate. if you ponder upon the normal flow of life, you would say, as you sow, so shall you reap. in simple words, your act today leads to a possible outcome in future. Now, to interpret my idea you will need to visualize the opposite. it is because you are destined for a particular outcome in future, you perform an act in the present. unfortunately, there is no way to find out that pre- decided fate.

a very good friend of mine once told me,"life is unpredictable and the fact that it is makes it worth living." so all we can do is try not 2 judge ourselves on petty outcomes in the present because we have a larger future designed for us. all that we can do is work with all our heart in what we truly believe and may be that would become the most convenient way to reach that unchangeable destiny.

One extra mile.

i gotta walk that extra mile,
my destiny awaits on the other side,
its gonna be tough for a while,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

dragging many expectations along,
i try to ignore the elevation,
my will power isn't so fragile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

the odds are stacked against me,
nobody said it would be easy,
although difficulties are ought to pile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

a point of no return,
i cannot go back,
but the journey has made me docile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

vision of victory, so clear,
there is no cost too high,
every step trying to be more agile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

i will not give up, i know,
even if it took a life more,
my attempts wont remain futile,
i gotta walk that extra mile.

Fear...

What is this feeling? why does my mind feel so restless. my mind is crowded by her thoughts. all i want now is to hear her voice, to talk to her, to see her, to be with her, a moment that involves only her and myself. but there is something more to it. these wishes are not bothering me, its something else. something that has enveloped my mind the moment i developed feelings for her. my friend says it is love, but, i don't believe it. i did not chose to love her. she was never more than a friend to me. i understand my priorities and love isn't one of them. rather i never portrayed love in my mind till date, hence, i know for sure this isn't love. may be this is attraction, may be addiction, may be infatuation. In either case it isn't love.

I have never portrayed love because i never felt so strongly about anyone before and couldn't reach to the conclusion that i could be in love with that person. i don't love her. she is just a good friend. we speak regularly, we know everything about each other, we share our happiness and sorrows, we hold an important place in each others' life. that very much proves that we are good friends. isn't that how friends are supposed to be? yet, my mind is clogged. all of a sudden it has started behaving insane. irregularity in our contact makes me uncomfortable, small arguments get me worried for no reason, moments during her absence are filled with the presence of her memories and happy thoughts, every time i imagine that pleasant smile on her face, i smile involuntarily, even the times i am struggling my way to board a crowded train or bus and when all i have on my mind is to brutally push that person infront to pave my way through, her thought, for no reason, strikes.

my heart is insane. it is habituated to her. my brain knows it. yes, it knows that my heart is insane. it knows. it knows because it realizes that she doesn't feel the same way i do for her. it knows because she never reciprocates the affection that is visible in my eyes. it knows that 'that' one hasty decision could ruin our friendship. it knows because it realizes that i don't want to lose her. it knows because i am filled with that one feeling that dominates every thought of her. it knows that losing or hurting her is something i "fear".

'A Wanna-be'

"Be a good boy", mom often said. "Study well", dad always said in a supportive tone. "Don't be such a loser, be a sport" friends commented. "We expect good results from you", teachers demanded. i did everything. yes, i did. always tried my best to live up to others' expectations. i myself didn't realize when this obedience became a habit. but it never bothered me in the least sense because every time i behaved good my mother was happy; every time i studied sincerely my dad was happy; every time i behaved reckless or bold and socialized by every means my friends were happy; every time i scored well in my tests my teachers were happy. somehow, it made me happy. it was the smile on their face when they looked at me, after i had lived upto their expectations, that made me feel important. it made me feel i had some value in society and that i could fulfill everyone's needs n demands and expectations.

The times i let others down, i felt that i let myself down. But i didn't give up. i kept going. even when fingers were pointed at me i didn't justify myself but tried to prove my point through my actions. Each action was an outcome of someone else's belief. someone believed i could top my class so i believed it. someone believed i was kind so i believed it. someone believed i was a bad person so i believed it. someone believed i was sly so i believed it. someone believed i was a good friend so i believed it. someone believed i was a bad friend so i believed it. i believed....i believed everyone. yet, for once i couldn't believe in myself. however, its too late now. i have swum into deeper seas to return to the shores. i always had answers to people's question until the time when i asked my friend,"how do you want me to be?" he said,"be the way you want to be."

'the way i want to be'??? i asked myself several times but there was no answer. i am so used to living by others expectations that i never saw the need to generate any of my own. may be the term hypocrite would fit the description of me. the term is apt to describe me in a single word. i suppose the problem has arisen because i have grown in terms of knowledge, experience and the intelligence to scrutinize my own actions and that of others. obviously, i am not a welcomed individual in society now,unless, people don't know me. one obvious solution would have been to shift to a new place where people didn't know me and i had the chance to live the way i want. unfortunately, it wont work. because wherever i go there are people, wherever there are people there are expectations, wherever there are expectations i need to succumb.

May be the society needs to accept me as a hypocrite. may be i myself require to accept myself as a hypocrite. but i dont like when someone calls me a hypocrite. i feel agitated because hypocrite is the one who believes in one thing but does another. as for me, i dont know what i believe in. i behave as people wish me to. for those loving silence, am silent; for those loving fun, am funny; for those loving noise, am loud. but while i am one of these, i am with all my heart. because there is no second belief i hold simultaneously. still if you believe i am a hypocrite then may be i am living upto someone else's expectations at that time.

i wish someday i can find an expectation of my own. i wish someday i behave the way i want and not the way others want. i wish someday i live not because it is required but because i want to. i struggle to survive, i struggle to search for a purpose, i struggle to make a difference, i struggle to discover that 'one' expectation that has nurtured within me. i am not a hypocrite in societal terms.however, an informally coined term could describe me better if not the best. a famous category of teenagers that i could be considered to fall in. yes, i am that category; i am not a hypocrite, i am 'a wanna-be'.