Fear...

What is this feeling? why does my mind feel so restless. my mind is crowded by her thoughts. all i want now is to hear her voice, to talk to her, to see her, to be with her, a moment that involves only her and myself. but there is something more to it. these wishes are not bothering me, its something else. something that has enveloped my mind the moment i developed feelings for her. my friend says it is love, but, i don't believe it. i did not chose to love her. she was never more than a friend to me. i understand my priorities and love isn't one of them. rather i never portrayed love in my mind till date, hence, i know for sure this isn't love. may be this is attraction, may be addiction, may be infatuation. In either case it isn't love.

I have never portrayed love because i never felt so strongly about anyone before and couldn't reach to the conclusion that i could be in love with that person. i don't love her. she is just a good friend. we speak regularly, we know everything about each other, we share our happiness and sorrows, we hold an important place in each others' life. that very much proves that we are good friends. isn't that how friends are supposed to be? yet, my mind is clogged. all of a sudden it has started behaving insane. irregularity in our contact makes me uncomfortable, small arguments get me worried for no reason, moments during her absence are filled with the presence of her memories and happy thoughts, every time i imagine that pleasant smile on her face, i smile involuntarily, even the times i am struggling my way to board a crowded train or bus and when all i have on my mind is to brutally push that person infront to pave my way through, her thought, for no reason, strikes.

my heart is insane. it is habituated to her. my brain knows it. yes, it knows that my heart is insane. it knows. it knows because it realizes that she doesn't feel the same way i do for her. it knows because she never reciprocates the affection that is visible in my eyes. it knows that 'that' one hasty decision could ruin our friendship. it knows because it realizes that i don't want to lose her. it knows because i am filled with that one feeling that dominates every thought of her. it knows that losing or hurting her is something i "fear".