Change.

I always thought that it was my quest for satisfaction that made my life a constant struggle. however, when i look at the past i realize that my quest was victorious in parts. it is when i ponder, i realize that i started my struggle with an ideal intention. the struggle at one point of time became so intense that the pace of it consumed me distracting me from my real intentions. now, i was fighting with life because i had to fight not because i wanted to. it became a habit. finally, life took a pause. it gave me a chance to assess what i had turned my life into and how i wish to mould it in future.

It is now that i take my time to realize that my struggle was never to achieve satisfaction. satisfaction derives its importance from the existence of unhappiness and pain. satisfaction is the absence of that struggle wherein all you want to achieve is satisfaction. i got blinded by my struggle and accepted my life to be a constant struggle. today, life provided me a pause to realize what i have been fighting for so long isn't satisfaction. it is change.

I want satisfaction to last forever. i do not wish to see it change into anything else that i haven't known it to be. when i stepped into this world, i was placed satisfactorily in my mother's womb. i was warm with care, i was protected, i was never hungry or thirsty; i was satisfied and that's the way i was born. but slowly life changed. i had to express my need for care, i had to protect myself and look after my own bread. even worse was the fact that something as simple as a touch, a word, a gesture, a silence, presence or absence of someone and similar ideas that could easily lose its meaning in the larger world started creating a chaos in my life. i became so vulnerable that every second of life possessed a phenomenon that could change how things were in the earlier second.

Like many others i grew tired. fortunately, my life gave me a chance to understand what i was struggling for. once again i wanted to be cared without expressing the need to be cared, i wanted to be protected and fed; i wanted life to not change from the way i knew it for the first time. but what is done cannot be undone. all i can do is try to continue my quest for satisfaction without losing track of my true goal so that when i achieve that momentary satisfaction i am able to endure it.